Our Wild Middle Earth: A LOTR Fanfic
by sanders-stabler-fan
Summary: After electricity, cable & TVs are installed in Middle Earth, Legolas, Haldir, Elladan, and Elohir start their own TV show about the wild creatures residing in Middle Earth. FINISHED!
1. Chapter 1: The Plan

**Our Wild Middle Earth: A LOTR Fanfic**

**Summary:** After electricity/cable/TVs are installed in Middle Earth, Legolas starts his own TV show about the wild creatures residing in Middle Earth.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Lord of the Rings.

**Chapter 1: The Plan**

(A/N: This is my first attempt at writing a humor fanfic, so please bear with me if it's not that good! Thanks!)

Electricity was not something new to the citizens of Middle Earth. It had been discovered before the War of the Ring, but since the War was so important, nobody had time to wire up all of Middle Earth. So after Sauron was defeated, men from all over helped to wire up all the homes and buildings of Middle Earth. Cable, TVs, VCRs, computers, the Internet, and telephones were all available to every citizen. More people had jobs because they were needed for TV shows, the news, and movies. Even the lowliest of creatures could now find a place on some reality show, game show, or home decorating series.

A few years after all of this, Legolas, Elladan, Elohir, and Haldir became bored. Since there was no more fighting and no more use for bows-and-arrows, they had nothing to do. But because Legolas was Prince of Mirkwood, and Elladan and Elohir were the sons of Elrond, and Haldir worked for Celeborn and Galadriel in Lothlorien, all of them could do anything their hearts desired.

"Haldir, I'm bored," Legolas whined, as he, Haldir, Elladan, and Elohir sat in Legolas' bedroom in Mirkwood. Elladan and Elohir were sitting in two bean bag chairs, Haldir was sitting in the recliner, and Legolas was sprawled out on his bed.

"What do you want me to do about it?" Haldir asked.

"Elladan, I'm bored," Legolas said again.

"So what?" Elladan grumbled.

"Elohir, I'm bored," said Legolas for the third time.

"Legolas, shut up!" yelled Elohir.

Legolas glared at his friend, and there was a knock on the door.

"Come in!" Legolas said.

The door opened, and in came Thranduil. "Hey boys, what are you doing?" he asked.

"We're bored," Legolas said.

"Bored? How can you be bored?" Thranduil said, surprised. "With all the stuff you have in here, I can't imagine that you would ever be bored." He scanned the shelves on the wall that were crammed with games, puzzles, toys, and videos. "Why don't you watch TV? There's always something on."

"We haven't tried that yet," Haldir said. "Thanks for the idea, Mr. Greenleaf."

"No problem, boys," Thranduil said. "Have fun!" He walked out.

Elladan grabbed the remote from off the floor and turned on the TV. "Tell me if you see anything," he said as he went to the TV Guide Channel.

As they looked at the listings, nobody responded, until Haldir piped up. "Hey! 'Dwarf Masterpiece Theater' is on!" he exclaimed. "I love that show!"

Everyone looked at him with shocked expressions. "What? It's entertaining..." he trailed off.

"Hey! What about 'Designs by Ms. Balrog' on the Home Shopping Network?" Elohir asked. "I heard she has a new jewelry line out."

"Elohir, that's a sissy show," Elladan told his brother. "I wouldn't be caught dead watching that. Let's watch 'Trading Kingdoms' instead on TLC. It's so awesome!"

"Never heard of it," Haldir said. "What's it about?"

"Two pairs of Kings and Queens switch palaces for two days and redecorate eachothers' houses," Elladan explained. "Each team gets a designer to think up the plans, and both teams have to share one carpenter. I was actually thinking of signing Arwen and Aragorn up for it. Their palace is _so_ in need up an update."

"Oh, I see," Haldir said. "It sounds neat, but what I don't get is why they have to share a carpenter. Wouldn't that be hard if they're in different kingdoms?"

"Well, the network only has enough gold coins to pay one carpenter per show," said Elladan. "But it is kind of a problem. Say, one couple lives in Erebor and one lives in Rohan. The carpenter is stationed somewhere in between those two regions. Whenever he builds something, he has to take his horse-and-cart to the kingdom. Then, he has to run all the way back, and then go to the other kingdom, and-"

"Guys, that's enough," Legolas interrupted. "Let's face it. We'll never be able to agree on one show."

"But I want to watch 'Trading Kingdoms'!" Haldir exclaimed. "It sounds interesting!"

"No, we're not watching that," Legolas said. He thought for a moment. "You know what we should do? We should have our own TV show." A sly grin spread across his face. "We could call it 'Our Wild Middle Earth', and we could travel around and tell the citizens about the wild creatures that reside in this world."

The four Elves looked at eachother and grinned. Elohir said, "But where will we get the equipment?"

"My father has a video camera with a cable hookup in his study," Legolas said. "We can 'borrow' it, and then hook it up to the TV to broadcast it to the world!"

"Sounds fun!" Elladan said.

"Let's do it!" Haldir chimed in.

"Count me in!" said Elohir.

"Come on, guys," Legolas said to them. "Let's go get the camera and begin the adventure."


	2. Chapter 2: The First Episode

**Our Wild Middle Earth: A LOTR Fanfic**

**Chapter 2: The First Episode**

"Legolas, are you sure we can borrow your dad's camera?" Haldir asked, as the four of them snuck into Thranduil's study.

"Of course we can," Legolas reassured. He opened the closet door and saw the camera, along with blank tapes, a tripod, and the cable hookup, on the top shelf. "Why did he put it up so high?"

"Probably so we wouldn't get at it," Elohir said.

Legolas pulled a chair up in front of the closet and stood up on it. He reached up and grabbed the camera. "Somebody take this!" he said.

Elladan grabbed the camera from Legolas, who then got down the tapes, the tripod, and the cables. "I got it all," he said.

"Great, now let's go before your dad catches us," Haldir said. They quickly left the room.

After carrying the equipment to their secret fort in the woods, the four Elves had to decide where to film the first episode.

"I say we go to the Shire," Elohir said. "Hobbits seem like strange creatures."

"No, no. Let's go to Harad," said Haldir. "The Haradrim are creepy people."

"I say we go to Moria," said Elladan. "And check out those weird Dwarves."

"Why don't we start out here?" asked Legolas. "We could do our first episode on Mirkwood Spiders." He looked at the other three to get their approval. "Well? What do you think?"

"Sounds good to me," Elohir said. Elladan and Haldir nodded.

"Then it's settled," said Legolas. "We venture to the depths of Mirkwood to inform the world of the amazing but creepy Mirkwood Spider."

"Let's get going!" Haldir exclaimed. They packed the video equipment into some bags and headed off towards the woods.

After traveling for several hours, Legolas spotted the perfect area to begin filming. There were giant spiders everywhere.

"Let's stop here," he said, setting down the camera bag. "This is the perfect spot."

They looked around at the spider webs strung between the trees, and the huge black spiders that were on them.

"We're scared!" Elladan and Elohir exclaimed as they crouched down behind Haldir and Legolas.

"Don't be babies, guys!" Haldir said. "Now get up!"

"Who wants to be cameraman?" Legolas asked.

"I will! I will!" Haldir said excitedly, and he jumped up and down.

"Good! Now who wants to be in charge of sound?" Legolas said.

"Me!" exclaimed Elohir.

"Okay, so Elladan, you're the director," said Legolas.

"What? Why can't I be on camera?" Elladan asked.

"Because I'm the star!" Legolas shouted, and he fluffed his hair. "And anyway, I'm easier on the eyes." He pulled a mirror out of his pocket and examined himself. "Oh my! I can't be on camera looking like this!" He pulled out a small box out of his pocket. After muttering an Elven spell, the box opened up into a full-size vanity, complete with all the necessary beauty supplies. Legolas sat down on the stool and opened a few vanity drawers. He pulled out a bottle of 'Sheer Elf Max Hold Hair Spray', 'Sheer Elf Shine Spray', a box of teet-whitening strips, concealer, powder, an eyelash curler, a tweezers, and some clear lip gloss. He gazed at himself in the mirror and put on the strips. Then, he applied the concealer and powder, followed that by curling his eyelashes, sprayed on some hair spray and shine spray, plucked a few stray hairs from his eyebrows, and put on the lip gloss. He then removed the strips and smiled at himself. After putting everything away, he got up from the stool, muttered another Elven spell, and the vanity disappeared. He picked up the remaining small box and put it back in his pocket.

"How do I look?" he asked, batting his eyelashes.

Elladan, Elohir, and Haldir looked at eachother with questioning looks, and just shrugged. "Let's get going on this episode," Haldir said. He got out the camera and tripod and set it up. Elohir got out the sound equipment and set that up, and Elladan took out the expandable director's chair they had packed. Legolas took out a small mirror and did a quick makeup check before putting it away and standing in front of the camera.

"Are we all ready?" asked Elladan. They all nodded. "Okay, let's roll! Action!"

Haldir turned on the camera and zoomed in on Legolas.

"Hi, I'm Legolas Greenleaf, and welcome to the first episode of 'Our Wild Middle Earth'. Today, we will be taking a look at the amazing Mirkwood Spider."

Haldir turned the camera to the huge spiders lurking in the background.

"Haldir! Haldir!" Legolas said. "You're supposed to be focusing on me!"

Haldir turned the camera back to Legolas. "As I was saying, we will be taking a closer look at the creatures who call these woods home. Follow me as I venture into the darkness to get a peek at these awesome spiders."

Haldir removed the camera from the tripod and followed Legolas farther into the woods. Elladan and Elohir were not far behind.

Legolas brushed some branches out of his way, which was not a smart idea. Those branches came crashing into the camera, and scratched the rest of the crew.

"Sorry!" Legolas said. He stopped in a clearing that was surrounded by spiders. "This is a perfect area to observe the Mirkwood Spider," he said to the camera. "As you can see, they build huge webs between trees. Even though most spiders stay in their own web, there are some who hide among the trees and wait for their prey. They also like to hide in the treetops and stalk from above..."

As Legolas continued to talk, a big spider made its way down from the treetops and landed on Legolas' head. Haldir spotted it quickly and froze. "Le...Le...Legolas!"

"And as...what is it now, Haldir?" Legolas asked.

Haldir pointed at Legolas' head. "Spi...spi...spider!" he screamed.

Legolas felt the spider on his head and shrieked. "No! It's going to mess up my hair!" he shouted. He threw the spider off his head and the four of them ran back to a different clearing with less spiders.

Legolas stopped and smoothed his hair back into place. "Does my hair look alright?" he asked.

"Legolas, we don't care about your hair!" Elohir exclaimed. "You were almost attacked by a spider!"

"Yes, I know, but I hope he didn't ruin my hair!" Legolas said. "Should I get the vanity out again?"

"NO!" shouted Haldir, Elladan, and Elohir.

"Can we go back to your house, Legolas?" Haldir asked. "And put our show on the air?"

"Yes, let's go," Legolas said. "But wait. Turn the camera back." Haldir turned the camera back to Legolas. "Thank you for watching, and join us next week, when we explore the grotesque and very odd world of men. Buh-bye!"

"And cut!" Elladan said. "That's a wrap!"

"'Grotesque and very odd world of men'? What's that all about?" Elohir asked.

"You know how men are so very different from us Elves," Legolas said. "So I think we should let the world know that men are disgusting creatures, and that we Elves are beautiful and perfect. But let's get this episode on the air first!"

The four of them trekked back to Legolas' house. They went to his room and hooked the camera to the TV and the computer.

"Do you know what you're doing?" asked Elohir.

"Of course I do! I've seen my father do this before," Legolas said.

"He has his own TV show, too?" asked Haldir.

"No, but he's in charge of airing the Mirkwood Nightly News," answered Legolas. He turned to the computer and typed in the air time and the date. After entering a few more things, the show was put into the schedule.

"We're all set!" Legolas said. "Our show will air at 7:00 P.M. tomorrow night."

"That's primetime TV, isn't it?" Haldir asked excitedly.

"That's right, my friend. Everyone in Middle Earth will see our show!" Legolas exclaimed.

The next evening, the four Elves went to Mirkwood Mart and got some Diet Elven Cola and some Fat-Free Lembas Chips (both at Legolas' request). They sat down on Legolas' huge bed with their snacks and turned on the TV. It was nearly 7:00, and the 6:00 showing of 'While You Were At War', a surprise home decorating show, was almost over. It was the 'Final Quiz Time', and a soldier had to win a new big-screen TV with TiVo for the living room his wife had redecorated while he had been away at war.

"This is a rerun!" Elladan shouted. "This episode is from when the War was first over!"

"Does he win the TV?" Legolas asked eagerly. "And the TiVo?"

"Of course he does!" Elladan said. "They always win!"

They looked at the screen and saw the soldier and his wife being awarded the new TV and TiVo. "Congratulations!" the host, Terri Strawser, said. "I hope you and your family enjoy your new living room and TV...with TiVo!" Then, 10 kids came running in and began worshipping the TV and the TiVo. The host laughed. "Well, that was another successful home makeover. On behalf of designer John Truce, carpenters Andy Man-Mumbo and Leslie Spaghetti, and myself, Terri Strawser, thank you for watching!"

The end credits came on, along with a preview for the show on at 7:00. "Tonight, the premiere of 'Our Wild Middle Earth', hosted by Legolas Greenleaf. He takes you on a journey into the depths of Mirkwood to see the famed Mirkwood Spider..." They showed a clip of Legolas in the woods with the spider on his head.

"I can't believe they picked that clip for the preview!" Haldir exclaimed.

"I know! My hair looks horrible!" said Legolas.

"Shut up! The show's starting!" Elohir said.

The show began with 'OUR WILD MIDDLE EARTH' on the screen in huge colorful letters. Then, they showed a picture of each of them with their names on the screen in bold letters.

"They spelled my name wrong!" Elladan said. "They spelled it E-l-a-d-a-n."

"We can fix that," Haldir said.

As they watched the first half of the show, they were happy with the results, except for the part where Legolas had stopped for a beauty check. Then, a commercial for cheap horse-and-buggy rates to Minas Tirith came on.

Legolas watched the ad and wrote down the number to call.

"What are you doing?" Elohir asked.

"Well, if we need to explore the disgusting world of men, what better place to go than Minas Tirith?" Legolas said. They all stared at him. "Uh, hello, Aragorn lives there."

"Oh, yes, Aragorn," the other three said. "He's a perfect example."

"Hey! The show's back on!" said Haldir.

They watched the last half of the show, where Legolas was almost attacked by the spider and was fretting over his hair.

When it was over, the four of them were proud of their show. "I bet everyone's excited for next week," Elladan said.

"I'm sure they all are," said Legolas. "What's on next?"

"'Extreme Makeover: Hobbit Edition'," Elohir said.

"And what's on after that?" asked Haldir.

"'Elf Eye for the Hobbit Guy', and after that is 'CSI: Osgiliath'," Elohir said.

"Sounds like a good lineup," Haldir said. "I'm gonna keep watching."

"I'm going to call this number," Legolas said. "And get us some cheap fare to Minas Tirith. We've got to get rolling for next week's show."


	3. Chapter 3: The World of Men Part 1

**Our Wild Middle Earth: A LOTR Fanfic**

**Chapter 3: The World of Men-Part 1**

"Open the gates!" a guard shouted, and the gates to Minas Tirith opened. The carriage containing Legolas, Haldir, Elladan, and Elohir pulled inside, and the gates shut behind them. It came to a halt in the courtyard, and the chauffer got down and opened the carriage doors. Haldir crawled out, followed by Elladan and Elohir. After that, the chauffer pulled out a roll of red carpet from behind the driver's seat, and unrolled it in front of the carriage. When Legolas did not emerge, the chauffer looked in.

"Legolas! Legolas!" he said.

"I'm not coming out yet!" Legolas said from inside.

"Why?"

"I'm not coming out until you announce my arrival."

"What?"

"Do it!"

"Fine!"

The chauffer stood next to the carriage door and said, "I now announce, to those of you listening, ("and I know that's not many of you," he mumbled), the arrival of Prince Legolas of Mirkwood."

Legolas came out of the carriage and smiled to everyone. He waved at the citizens, who were completely disgusted by his way-too-formal entry. They kept walking and paid no attention to the Prince.

"Hey! Look at me!" Legolas cried out. When nobody looked, he still didn't give up. "Look! Look! Look at the beautiful Elf!" Nobody else listened, and Legolas finally gave up. "Let's go, guys!"

Haldir, who was carrying the camera, and Elladan and Elohir, who were carrying the director's chair and the sound system, followed Legolas to the newly-installed elevator.

"Going up!" Haldir said to the elevator operator, who took them to the top floor.

They emerged from the elevator on the palace level, and Legolas headed towards the back.

"Where are you going?" Elladan asked.

"Yeah, I thought we were going in the palace," said Elohir.

"We're taking the back way," Legolas answered. "If Aragorn sees us filming him, our show is history! We must be secretive."

The four of them headed towards the back of the palace and found an open patch of ground where they could set up the tent they brought along.

"Haldir! Set up the tent!" Legolas commanded.

"Why me?" asked Haldir.

"Because I don't want to break a nail," Legolas said. "I just got a manicure before we left."

"Wimp," Haldir said under his breath as he attempted to set up the tent.

It wasn't until it was dark out that Haldir finally had the tent completely up. The four Elves unrolled their sleeping bags and laid them inside of the tent. Legolas took his Chanel Travel Bag out and unpacked his nighttime beauty supplies. Out came a jar of green facial mask stuff, a nail file, two cucumber slices, and pink lip gloss.

"What are you doing, you freak?" Elladan exclaimed.

"My nighttime beauty rituals," Legolas replied, as he began to put on the facial mask, followed by the cucumbers and lip gloss.

"Tell me when 30 minutes have passed," Legolas said.

"Why?" asked Haldir.

"Because that's when I have to wash off my facial mask and file my nails," said Legolas.

"Dumb Elf," Elohir muttered. "So obsessed."

Thirty minutes later, Legolas washed off his mask and filed his nails. "Let's get this show started!" he said.

"Now? It's already dark out!" Haldir exclaimed.

"It's the perfect time to catch Aragorn! Let's go!" Legolas said. He put on his traveling coat and they headed towards a window with a good view.

Haldir got the camera ready, and the sound system was set up. They looked inside and saw Arwen. It was their two-month-old daughter Celebrian's room. (A/N: It's been 6 yrs. since the end of the War of the Ring.) Arwen was placing Celebrian into her cradle.

"Goodnight, darling," she said, giving Celebrian a kiss on the cheek. Celebrian closed her eyes and fell asleep. Arwen headed towards the door. She peeked into the hallway and saw Aragorn walking the other way.

"Aragorn," she whispered.

"Huh?" he said, turning around.

"Haldir! Roll the camera!" Legolas said. Haldir hit the 'Record' button and taped Aragorn and Arwen's conversation.

"Where's Eldarion?" Arwen asked in a quiet voice.

"Why are you whispering?" Aragorn said very loudly.

Celebrian's cries were heard from inside her room.

"Thanks a lot!" Arwen said angrily. "I just got her to sleep!" She stormed back into Celebrian's room.

"What?" Aragorn asked. "What did I do now?" He shrugged and walked back down the hallway.

"That was perfect!" Legolas said. "A good example of how rude men can be." He turned to the camera, and Haldir filmed him.

"Now, ladies, gentlemen, Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits, Balrogs, Haradrim, East-" Legolas said.

"Get on with it!" Haldir said.

"Anyway," Legolas said, applying more lip gloss. "What you have just seen was an example of how men, like King Aragorn, can be very rude. Did you see how mad his wife was?"

"Legolas! They're back!" Elohir said.

Haldir turned the camera back to the window. Arwen was walking towards the bathroom, and Aragorn was following her.

"Quickly! To the bathroom window!" Legolas said. They rushed to the bathroom window and saw Arwen come in. She walked over to the bathtub and turned on the water (A/N: They have plumbing now). Aragorn came in.

"Arwen, don't be mad," he pleaded. "I said I was sorry."

"Go find Eldarion," Arwen said.

"Huh?" Aragorn asked.

"I said go find our son!" Arwen exclaimed. Aragorn rolled his eyes and walked out.

He came back a few moments later with five-year-old Eldarion.

"Eldarion, it's time for your bath," Arwen said, shutting off the water.

"Do I have to take a bath, Mommy?" Eldarion asked.

"Yes, you do, so you're clean for your sister's birthday party tomorrow," Arwen said.

"You're making him take a bath? A bath?!" Aragorn asked, and he pulled Eldarion close to him. "You're not letting him anywhere near that warm water or those soapy bubbles."

"Aragorn, you're not helping!" Arwen said. "He needs to take a bath."

"No, he doesn't," Aragorn argued. "Baths are evil."

Arwen gave Aragorn 'the look', but he didn't back off. "No bath for my son," he said.

"You mean _our_ son, Aragorn," said Arwen. She pulled Eldarion over to her. "Now go so I can give him a bath." She shot him another 'look' and gritted her teeth at him. "Aragorn Elessar, if you don't let me give him a bath, then _you_ will be the next one sitting in this bathtub."

Upon hearing this, Aragorn went pale, and quickly walked out of the room.

"Mommy, why is Daddy so scared of the bathtub?" Eldarion asked as Arwen began unbuttoning his shirt.

"I guess he had a bad experience when he was a kid," Arwen said.

"Haldir, did you get all of that?" Legolas asked.

"Yeah," Haldir replied, and he shut off the camera.

"That was great!" said Elladan. "The perfect thing to film!"

"Don't think that's all we're getting," Legolas said. "I think we can get some more tonight and tomorrow."

"Perfect!" said Elohir.

About an hour later, the Elves spotted Arwen tucking their 2-year-old daughter Gilraen and Eldarion into bed. She walked into the hallway and headed towards the master bedroom.

Haldir positioned the camera in the bedroom window. Aragorn was sprawled out on the top of the bed, still wearing his normal clothes, and snoring very loudly. Arwen walked in and went over to the bed. She shook Aragorn's shoulders. He didn't wake up. She pulled his hair, but he still didn't wake up.

After tickling his feet, pinching him, sitting on him, and shouting into his ear, Aragorn still slept soundly. Arwen got up and walked over to the wardrobe. She opened it up and put her bathrobe inside. After she shut the wardrobe door, which made little noise, Aragorn bolted up.

"Wha-" he began.

Arwen turned and looked at him.

"Why did you wake me up?" Aragorn asked her.

"Woke you up? With what?"

"When you slammed the wardrobe door!"

"I did _not_ slam it, Aragorn. Now get up. It's your turn."

"My turn for what?"

"It's bathtime, dear husband, and you're next."

"No, no, no! I refuse!"

"You have no choice, Estel. I've called in reinforcements." She looked at the door. "Boys! Come on in!" she yelled.

The door burst open, and in came a group of soldiers led by Faramir.

"Take him away, boys," Arwen said.

Faramir walked over to Aragorn. "Come on, Aragorn. Take a bath," he said.

"Why? Why should I?" asked Aragorn.

"Hey, look at me!" Faramir said. "I take baths, and the ladies love it!" Suddenly, a bunch of Gondorian women popped up out of nowhere and surrounded Faramir. He smiled as they adored him. Then, Eowyn stormed in.

"Faramir! What are you doing?!" she asked angrily.

The Gondorian women quickly left the room. The smile was erased from Faramir's face as Eowyn dragged him out into the hallway.

"Take a bath, my friend!" Faramir yelled to Aragorn.

The remaining soldiers grabbed Aragorn and took him to the bathroom.

"Arwen! What are you doing! Why?!" he yelled.

"It's for your own good, Estel," Arwen answered.

"And cut!" Elladan said.

"This is excellent!" Elohir exclaimed. "Just wait until the world sees this!"

"This is terrible!" Legolas said.

"What is?" asked Haldir.

"I'm getting a pimple!" Legolas whined, as he shut his compact mirror and put it in his pocket.

"Oh my gosh, Legolas, let's notify the authorities!" Haldir said sarcastically.

"Actually, I'll notify my dermatologist," Legolas said as he pulled out his cellphone. He punched in a few numbers, and it rang a few times. "Hello? Dr. Clearskin? It's me, Legolas. Yes, I'm fine, but I'm getting a pimple on my nose! What should I do? Okay...I see. And how many times? Once a day? Okay. Thank you Doc!" He put the phone away. "Let's go back to the tent. We can get more in the morning."

Haldir noticed that the camera was still on, and turned it off before they headed to the tent.

"Don't you think someone will think this tent is suspicious?" Elohir asked.

"If someone finds us, we can come up with a cover up," Legolas said. "And speaking of cover up, I must do my pimple-removing treatment."

When they got inside of the tent, Legolas pulled a huge box out of his luggage. He opened it, and inside was a mirror, a bottle of face wash, and some vanilla-scented lotion. He applied the face wash, rinsed it off in the sink that was contained in the box, and put on the lotion. He also put some cream on his pimple, smiled into the mirror, and put everything away. "If I do this once a day, Dr. Clearskin says my pimple will be gone in less than three days!" he exclaimed.

"Whoop dee doo," Elladan grumbled.


	4. Chapter 4: The World of Men Part 2

**Our Wild Middle Earth: A LOTR Fanfic**

Valia-Elf: I hope you liked Chapter 3 & I hope you like this chapter! Update your story soon!

**Chapter 4: The World of Men-Part 2**

"...Happy birthday, dear Gilraen, happy birthday to you!"

Gilraen, who was sitting in Arwen's lap, smiled when the guests had finished singing to her. Arwen said, "Happy third birthday, tinuamin (my daughter)," and kissed her on the cheek.

"Pwesents! Pwesents!" Gilraen exclaimed and clapped her hands. (A/N: Gilraen can't pronounce her r's yet.)

Aragorn laughed and began to bring over the presents. He set them down on the table in front of Arwen and Gilraen and then took a seat next to them.

Legolas and his crew were there, too. Aragorn had invited all of them. Haldir had thought of a hidden camera that morning, and it was put to good use during the party.

Arwen took the first present and began to open it. Gilraen also helped, and it was.....

"Bawbie! Bawbie!" Gilraen said, as she looked at the Queen Arwen Barbie Doll that she had received. Along with it was the King Aragorn Ken Doll. (A/N: I didn't come up w/these myself-I've seen them before.)

"Where did you get those?" Aragorn asked Legolas, who had given Gilraen the dolls.

"At Gondor Store, between Osgiliath and Minas Ithil," Legolas replied. "They have _tons_ of them there. I got them before we arrived."

"This is weird," Arwen said. "Our daughter is going to be playing with miniatures of _us_. She'll be playing dolls using her parents."

"We thought it would be alright," said Legolas. "Should we exchange them?"

"No, no, they're fine," Aragorn said. "It's just weird that we're..._dolls_. Why didn't someone tell us about this?"

"I thought that you knew already," Legolas said. "Didn't Faramir tell you?"

"No...why? Was he supposed to?" Aragorn asked. He looked at Faramir, who hid in the corner.

"I can explain," Faramir began. "I was told about the idea for the dolls, and I was supposed to ask for your approval. But I was too busy with other things, and I forgot to ask, so I told the company that you said it was okay."

Aragorn glared at Faramir, who was smiling nervously. "I hope that they make a Captain Faramir Ken Doll so that I can get one and pop off its head!" he exclaimed before running after Faramir.

"Ahhh! Stop! Stop!" Faramir yelled as Aragorn chased him out of the room.

* * *

A few days later, the second episode was going to be on the air. Legolas, Haldir, Elladan, and Elohir were gathered in Legolas' room like they had been for the premiere.

"Is it on yet?" asked Legolas impatiently.

"No," Haldir replied.

A couple of seconds later, Legolas again asked, "Is it on yet?"

"No!" Elladan yelled.

After a few more seconds, Legolas began, "Is it on-"

"NO!" the other three Elves screamed at him.

"Wow! There's no need to be hostile," said Legolas.

"Yes, there is," Elohir said. "It's yo-"

"Hey, it's on now!" Haldir exclaimed.

The show began with Aragorn waking up Celebrian. It showed the tub incident, the time that Aragorn couldn't be woken and was forced to bathe, and ended with Gilraen's birthday party. There were some incidents included where Legolas had been checking his makeup or fixing his hair.

"That was good," Legolas said, turning off the TV. "Better than last week's show!"

"I'm sure ratings will soar after everyone sees this!" Elohir said.

"But guys, what about Aragorn and Arwen? What will they think?" asked Elladan.

"Uhhhhh......" they all said.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Minas Tirith, Aragorn and Arwen had just finished watching the show. They were both stunned by what they had witnessed.

"We can't go outside anymore," Aragorn said. "This is total humiliation."

"How will we live with this?" Arwen asked. "Everyone will have watched this."

"I will get whoever is responsible for this," Aragorn said in a mad tone. "Legolas and his pals will pay!"


	5. Chapter 5: The Final Episode

**Our Wild Middle Earth: A LOTR Fanfic**

**Chapter 5: The Final Episode**

Legolas, Haldir, Elladan, and Elohir had been busy working on the next episode of their show entitled, "Balrogs and Hobbits and Dwarves, Oh My!" After returning from The Shire to begin editing, a visitor came to see them.

"Leggy, my son!" Thranduil yelled as he walked into Legolas' room. "There's someone here to see you."

"Who is it, Daddy?" Legolas asked eagerly. "Is it my fan club? Crazy elven girls overwhelmed by my beauty? Or Mandy? She's supposed to come give me a massage someday."

"No, no, none of those people," Thranduil said. "We do control our borders extremely well. We'd never let those crazy elf women near here!"

"Mr. Greenleaf, is it my mom?" asked Haldir. "She said she was picking me up early today. Something about 'family bonding' or something stupid like that." He rolled his eyes.

"No, it's not her either," replied Thranduil. "It's Aragorn. He says he's here on important business."

The four elves looked at eachother. "Uh, is he alone? Or did he bring the whole Gondorian army with him?" Legolas asked nervously.

"He's here with four soldiers, and that's it," Thranduil said. "Should I send him in?"

"Sure," Legolas answered.

Thranduil left, and a few moments later, Aragorn and four soldiers appeared in the doorway.

"Hello, Legolas," Aragorn said in a stern voice. "I need to talk to you. It's important. _Very_ important."

Legolas and the other three elves backed up towards the wall. "Uh, Aragorn, what is it?" Legolas asked.

"I saw your little show," Aragorn said. "And I hated it. You embarassed me _too_ much for me to let it go. It's payback time."

He walked in, and the soldiers followed. They cornered the elves and 'tortured' them. (Torture means tickled them with feathers, covered them in dirt especially Legolas, and other stuff like that.)

* * *

The next week, the four of them gathered around the TV to watch the final episode.

"Hello, I'm your host, Legolas Greenleaf, and welcome to what will be the final episode of 'Our Wild Middle Earth'. We're sorry about ending it so soon, but due to last week's show, we've had a request to stop degrading those who reside in Middle Earth," Legolas explained, reading off the cue card that Aragorn had written up while they were filming.

"On the final episode," he continued. "We will take a look at Balrogs, Hobbits, and Dwarves. Let's begin in Moria, the home of Mr. and Mrs. William Balrog."

The camera showed two balrogs standing on the repaired bridge of Khazad-Dum. Legolas was nearby holding a microphone.

"So, tell me about yourselves," he said.

"We're Balrogs. We hate wizards, hobbits, men, elves, and all other good-hearted folk," Mr. Balrog said.

"Lovely! And what about you, Mrs. Balrog?" Legolas said.

"As you may know, I have my own jewelry show on the Home Shopping Network," she replied. "I design necklaces, earrings, and bracelets."

"Could you make me some?" Legolas asked eagerly.

"I only make jewelry for those who are evil at heart," she said.

"Darn! Well, thank you for letting us come today," said Legolas.

"You're welcome, but get out! You're starting to annoy me!" Mr. Balrog exclaimed. He blew some fire at Legolas.

"Well, isn't someone cranky today?" Legolas said.

Both Balrogs got up and chased Legolas out. The scene then went to Hobbiton, where Sam was sleeping in the grass in the front yard. The camera zoomed in on him as he snored.

"Ah! What in the name of The Shire are you doing?" he exclaimed after waking up.

"Nothing," Haldir said. "But smile for the camera. You're going to be on TV."

"Great!" Sam said. "Could you show my vegetable garden? And my flower garden? It's in bloom now!"

"Why not?" said Legolas. They showed Sam's garden, which were dry, brown, and wilted.

"Aren't they little beauties?" Sam asked proudly.

"They...they sure are," Legolas said, almost choking from the smell that lingered in the air from the gardens. "But we have to get going. Bye."

The camera then showed Gimli from a distance. He was out in the open with his axe, swinging at invisible enemies.

"Take that! And that!" he shouted to the air. He swung hard towards the direction of the camera, but stopped when he saw it.

"What...what are you doing, laddie?!" he exclaimed. "Were you...filming me?"

"Sorry, but it's for our show!" Legolas said. "The final episode."

"Why...you," Gimli began as he chased after them with his axe.

"Run! Run!" Legolas yelled, and they left quickly.

"I hope you enjoyed this last episode," Legolas said, as the camera went back to him. "I know we'll all miss doing the show, but it was fun while it lasted." He wiped his eye. "And thank you for watching," he said ina quavery voice. Haldir handed the camera to someone else, and he, Elladan, and Elohir all ran to Legolas. They had a group hug and cried together. Aragorn took the camera and held it in front of him.

"I hope this cryfest doesn't last too long, but goodbye!" he said, turning it off.

..........::THE END::..........

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed it! If you liked this one, then read the prequel, 'Home Movies'. I'm planning on writing a sequel to this called 'Trading Kingdoms'. Thanks for reading and thanks to anyone who reviewed or is going to review (that's all you silent readers out there-please review!). Goodbye! Adios! Aurevoir!**

**.....::LimeGreenDolphin24::.....**


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